Chapter 1

-1-

. . .  But, I knew I’d never tell him.

He would be kept at a distance for a while and that was fine because  at this point  I was just happy to be around someone else for a change.

"You're late," he smiled,"You missed the opening ceremony but, that's okay,"

Holding on to his gloved hand we navigated through the crowd and into the stadium, that was filled with even more people.

We found an empty space and   together we sat in the blistering cold.  I concentrated on keeping my body warm as we watched the football game going on in front of us.  I don’t know much about football so; I was  watching Rhett the whole time as he tried to explain things to me. He was so handsome in his dark blue uniform, when he took the white cap off I noticed his dark hair was longer but still neatly cropped. He was pretty animate through the whole game watching his team. 

After 2 hours  a loud buzzer went off and the band swelled up in a big melody and everyone in the stadium stormed on to the field cheering and throwing up their hands, the who spectacle was making me laugh.

“We  kicked their ass,” Rhett cheered as he led me towards the exit of the stadium. We were pretty much the only ones not on the field.

 “You wanna go warm up, now ?,” he asked  “There is a restaurant real close by.”

I nodded my head even though I was secretly hoping I wouldn’t have to meet any of his friends, just yet. I still wasn’t good with new people.

I knew he didn’t have a car so we walked across the parking lot, and Rhett exchanged high 5’s and waves with a few people but he never stopped to talk to them.  We made across the parking through the campus gates and down the streets of New London.

As we got closer to the area where there were a few businesses Rhett put his arm around my waist and began to walk at a faster pace, practically dragging me behind him until we got inside. The restaurant was warm and filled with other students , a few parents and people from the game trying to get warm.  He sat at a table by the window and I followed.  After I took my coat off I pulled my knit mittens off and much to Rhett’s amusement revealed the fingerless leather gloves I wore underneath.

It wasn’t just my hands I kept covered up these days though, it was my entire self.

Rhett took my hand and looked at it like he was going to say something about my gloves but he didn’t. He let my hand go and stared intently out the window. He put his hand over his mouth and whispered to me

“Let’s not overreact or nothing,” he said “ But, there is a black SUV outside it’s been following us. I noticed it when we was walking here.”

I quickly turned and all the blood drained out of my face, I quickly got up and ran outside and Rhett  followed close behind me. I walked faster to try and get some distance between  Rhett and I but Rhett was right behind  me.  It was too late; he was already approaching us. I didn’t know whether to run in the opposite direction or try and stop him so I took Rhett’s arm  and headed in the opposite direction.

“Juliana,” Rhett said,”What are you—“

“Mr. Clark,”

I turned to face my father as  he walked up on us. I wanted to gesture to Rhett to run but, I restrained myself.

“Hello, sir would you like to join us ?”Rhett asked respectful as ever. He didn’t seem at all affected by seeing my dad but, I was freaking out on the inside, I couldn't figure out what to do next.

“No, I don’t think so,” Dad said  “Juliana and I should be getting home.”

“You know, sir” Rhett said, “You didn’t have to follow us I --”

“Please, don’t tell me what to do with my own family,” Dad said sharply and then changed his tone to a  calmer one, “I guess you know now,”

I covered my face.

“Know what, sir ?”

“My daughter hasn’t spoken a word since that night,” he said, “She is sick and we should be getting home,”

My secret was out, I was going to explain but, I didn’t want Rhett to think of me as broken too. Atleast not yet. I could tell his mind was reeling to our last 3 hours together. Rhett looked at me for confirmation but, I just went over to him and hugged him good-bye.

 “Is this for real ?” he asked

I pulled my hands from his and tracing the spot I knew his brand was and  I turned and  headed back for the car. My dad followed quickly in my footsteps as I got into the passenger seat. I unrolled my window and waved good bye to Rhett as we drove off.

-2-

My dad didn’t say one word during the  20 minute drive  back to Hartford. I looked out the window at the still falling snow but, I was  becoming less fascinated with it.

I wasn’t upset with my father I knew he hated being left alone for too long. He liked company.

As we neared Asylum Hill he pulled into the apartment complex on the edge of the neighborhood, I saw there was a small snowball fight going on in front of it.

“I guess you will have to get used to all this snow,” Dad said as we made our way back inside.

 I  walked to my room and ran over to  my window to look at the snow falling. It looked  like a perfect blanket over the grass but, I imagined it wouldn’t stay that way too long. Especially with all of  people in the neighborhood walking through the snow and messing it up.  I saw 2 little girls lying in the snow making angels—the angels were actually pretty beautiful.

 I took of my coat and laying down on my bed I clicked on the radio at my bedside and listened as a few piano keys played and a soothing voice came out, singing about love or heartbreak as usual. I closed my eyes and imagined what I was going to have to tell Rhett to explain myself when  I heard a soft knock on my door and  my father came in. He had a chair from the kitchen which he set by the door  as he turned the stereo off.

“Juliana, you know I worry about you. Do you even understand that ?,” he said not even looking in my eye. He hardly ever looked me in the eye.

I knew he did, he seemed to worry about everything

“I don’t know if you do,” he said taking a seat in the chair. I hated how my father treated me like I was stupid because I could not talk to him.

I’m sorry if I came off as mean to your friend,” he said. Which was odd because he knew who Rhett was.  “I just think we need to be careful as to who we let into our lives. Besides you know I hate coming to this place by myself.”

I did know that.

He looked at me for a second before walking out with the chair in hand. When he left I laid back down on my bed.  These kinds of talks were a usual circumstance in our house but, things had been hard on my dad since leaving the commune.

I had agreed to live with my dad because I wanted to.  He wanted to come back up North and start his old life again. The life he had  before me.

He and mom had both been in high pressure high paying jobs and lived in one of the big house in the neighborhood. When they joined United Light they emptied all the savings out and sold most of their property and now Dad had nothing but, the small two bedroom apartment they lived in when they were newlyweds. Our furniture and most of our things from the commune were not with us.

My dad attempted to get a job but, found himself way out of the loop for the advertising field and he had given up after a month. The social workers provided us free therapy and  helped us with some  government assistance but that was all they could do. No one could help us figure out what to do about the fact Caine had robbed my family of everything and we pretty much had no one.

My room was empty except for  a single bed  but, it was all I needed.  Everything else I owned was kept in boxes underneath my bed. It was strange going from a place where I was on my own all the time to being constantly under my dad’s eye. I had developed a love for music and  I had my radio but, my dad preferred  absolute silence and usually turned my music down if not off.

I knew seeing his old life fall apart was hard on him so, I let him have his way.  He went to his daily poker games at some bar or something and those  always seemed to brighten his spirit some and that was worth it to me. One promise we had made when we moved here was to put each other first. 

I took the notebook out from underneath my bed and started writing a letter to Rhett. I had to see him again to explain.

-3-

There was a phantom hooked knife swinging  above my head I stared at it until it started  falling. I rolled over out the way just in time to see the knife hit the floor and everything around me folding and dying until Caine finally pulled a gun into my head. I immediately woke in a silent scream; the  sunlight in my face nearly blinded me.

It had been 3 months but I was still having nightmares. When I went to a group therapy session one woman had said that the nightmares may never go away but, I ignored that. It wasn’t like I thought about Caine or any of it because I wanted to.

I looked out my door and into the hall to see my dad’s room was empty . He must be at his poker game or somewhere as usual so, I took solace in being alone and turned my radio up as loud as it would go. I knew I had therapy today so, I swallowed two of the purple pills the doctor gave me, dumped the rest under my bed and put the empty bottle in my purse.

The only thing that was on my mind was getting to the post office to mail Rhett’s letter.

Rhett

I’m sorry I didn’t tell you, I don’t like to tell anyone but, I’m fine. I liked spending time with you.  You mentioned you were taking a trip to Hartford with your class next weekend, maybe we can meet for a little while.

Getting out of bed , I looked through my closet to figure out what I was going to wear. I pulled out a grey  sweater, jeans and a pair of boots and I headed into the bathroom my breaths becoming shallow. Somewhere between leaving Florida and coming to Connecticut I had become repulsed by my own body, I couldn’t stand to look at it.The thought of my bare skin disgusted me. It just reminded me of who I used to be and what I had let happen to me.

 I closed my eyes  and kept them shut as I stripped my pajamas off and stepped into the shower. I blindly reached for  the soap but didn’t find it, until my foot slipped on it causing me to lose balance  and slam right into the bruise above my right knee.

I knew they told me to put ice on it but there was no way I could even  look at a bruise for that long. Giving up I opened my eyes long enough to pick the soap off the ground. I tried to recover and  relax as the water streamed down my body but, it was useless.

“You stupid girl, you will listen to me or you will be begging for my forgiveness in a pool of your own blood. “

“You are not worth anything except what I tell you do you understand, you stupid ignorant child ?”

“I will make you wish you were dead”

After only 5 minutes I stepped out of the shower and got completely dressed before I could look at myself in the mirror. I twisted my hair into a bun and put it underneath a hat, pulled a scarf over my neck and I was okay again.

I put my coat and gloves on and walked down the street to the post office.  I found my letters got their quicker when I went there myself to mail them. As I neared the post office doors I felt an unusual wave of nausea coming over.

I had forgotten to eat something with the pills.

I would just have to make this quick.  I got inside and located the drop box but, something wasn’t right, I felt weak. I leaned against a bench and stood there for a few minutes.

“Hey miss—are you okay ?” I heard a postal worker ask coming towards me.

He was an older man and I knew he had seen me come in here every other day with a letter to mail. We usually exchanged kind glances.

“Miss ?” he asked, “Do you need something ?”

I needed a bathroom. I was going to be sick..

“Miss are you alright ?”

I needed to call my dad but, he didn’t know where I was. I stood back up and slipping the  letter in the mailbox I slowly walked out of the post office and collapsing in the bushes outside I threw up. I got up quickly as not attract any attention and wiping my mouth with my scarf I headed home, my flushed face was burning with humiliation.

I made it back to my apartment where Dad was waiting inside.

“We are going to be late for the doctors” he said heading to  the car, “Where were you ? ”

For some reason I didn’t want to tell him I was talking to Rhett.

As we were heading towards downtown in the car Dad reached into his side compartment and  handed me a bag.

“It’s for you, open it,” he smiled

I opened the box and saw a small handheld music player and headphones.

“I had a good hand at poker,” he said,”It’s fine.”

He could read my mind, I had no idea how he could have afforded this.

We got to Dr. Channing’s  office and the receptionist immediately called me into his office.

Dr.Channing’s office was nicely decorated with expensive and unique furniture and soothing paintings. It kind of reminded me of—well, I liked being there. I took a seat in the leather armchair across from Dr.Channing and dad sat on the couch in the back of the room.

 “So, have we started school, yet ?,” he asked not looking up from his computer.

 I shook my head no. I felt terrible about that or atleast he made me feel that way but, the time never seemed right.

“You know you can claim your speech impairment as a disability, you should consider getting enrolled,” he stated matter of factly.

He pushed the computer screen out of his way.

“How is the prescription going for you ?” he asked

Even after 2 months Dr.Channing seemed convinced anti-depressants  would help me want to talk. Dad never forced them on me because he was still getting his head around medication that helps anxiety.

I reached into my bag and gave him the empty bottle, he turned the bottle over and his hands and seemed to be pleased.

“Would you like to speak to me today, Juliana ?” he asked. “ You know the throat is a muscle too. If you don’t use it--it may never work again,”

I nodded my head, I had heard this all before.

 “How are things for you, Daniel ?,” Dr. Channing asked looking past me to my dad

“I’m a humbled man,” he said,” I still think about how I joined United Light so I could  give up my need for things-- to get away from it all and know that I am back--  I fear that I still want things again.”

It hurt me a little that he said ‘I’ when it had been he and my mother but, he hadn’t mentioned my mother in a long time.

“No job prospects, yet?” he asked

“No,”Dad said,” I mean, hell, I should be retired,”

“We do have job help if you—“

“I was an account executive at an ad firm I will not be happy telemarketing. I have a college degree and just because I don’t use computers doesn’t mean I’m not useful.”

I sensed the anger in his voice that was always there

“I have my daughter or atleast pieces of her . . .  and that is all I need, I suppose”

 I hated when we were forced to talk about our losses,  it made me afraid my dad would go back but, I took comfort in knowing there was nothing to go back to.

-4-

I held my shoes in my hand as I closed the door and then I slipped them on over my stockinged legs and clacked all the way across the street to the bus stop. It probably wasn't the most practical weather to be wearing a skirt but, I just felt like it this morning.

I had no idea why I snuck out, It’s not like I needed to.  Maybe for old times sake. I boarded the bus that went into  downtown and I found the Starbucks right near the park.  I saw a small mass of people in navy blue and I spotted Rhett instantly. I walked in and took a seat in a table far from them and caught his eyes.

He came over to me.

“Hey--You wanna come meet some of my fellow cadets ? ,” he asked

I shook my head, I was being honest. It would take too much explaining.

“You daddy ain’t gonna come out and fuck me up  in a couple of minutes is he ?” Rhett  asked

I put my hand over my mouth and smiled even though I was sure Rhett wasn’t joking.

“He  seemed real pissed at me,” he said, “ I guess he don’t like me.”

I shrugged my shoulders; I had no idea. My father had controlled my life for so long I knew it was  hard for him not to. He thought he could protect me but, he had no idea that I had had a boyfriend, the ways I had defiled my body and not telling him just  made it easier to forget. I reached into my purse and  I took out the notepad-- something I hated to do but, I did it. I took out a blue gel pen and carefully wrote a note to him

We lost a lot of things. We try to hold on to what we’ve have tightly.

He nodded and looked at me.

“So, you can’t talk or you won’t talk ?”

I can’t explain it. Even when I need help. I just can’t

“In all them letters you wrote to me . . . why didn’t you tell me ?”

I was ashamed.

 I’m sorry.

“it’s okay you ain’t got to apologize to me,” he said ,”So I guess I talk and you will listen ?”

I nodded.

At first he was self-conscious about the one sided conversation but, soon he came around and kept going. I  liked listening to him talk , even if it was things I had  already read about in his letters.  He talked about his friends,school, his mentor and his family. I liked talking with him as long it wasn’t about Caine.  He talked with me for an hour before he had to get back on his bus back to school. As he got up to head outside I took his arm and gave him a hug.

"I'll miss you too," he said returning my hug.

I walked him outside and then we went our separate ways.

When I got back to the apartment I saw my dad pacing outside fully dressed.

“Juliana, where the hell have you been ?” he asked  coming towards me

He still talked to me like I would answer.

“Juliana you can’t just leave like this, it worries me.  Damn it,  you can't even leave a note. Do I do things like this to you ?”

Yes, everyday

We stood outside in the cold for a few minutes and then his expression softened as he led me to the apartment door and he hesitantly opened the door.  I was partially hoping this was another gift but, instead I saw a familiar woman sitting on the couch. She was clearly not dressed for the northern winter because all she had on was a long sundress.

She looked so familiar who was she ?

She was the woman who shared the house with my Dad after mom's death.

“Juliana, you remember Tessa,” Dad said putting a hand over hers.

I nodded.

“Hello . . . again,” Tessa said to me offering a wave.

“Juliana,  I have been helping Tessa with some things and well, we are going to be engaged to be married.,”

Married

The first emotion I had was anger, I could not ignore the fact that she was still wearing that all to familiar shade of blue.  I wanted to shout but my body wouldn’t let me so I took the easel of the fridge and and threw it at my dad. I let it do the shouting for me.

I heard Tessa let out a yelp.

“Juliana—please,” he said

“I’m going to go check on Hayley,” Tessa said and disappeared into my Dad’s room.

Hayley ?

That was right. She had a daughter who I had never met.

“Juliana—I know this seems out of the blue but, I have been seeing Tessa for a while,”

So, this was where he had been going. He was happy because he was on a date not because he was with his friends. What about her allegiance to United Light ?

What about my mother ?

I knew who Tessa was, I knew exactly who she was.

Not to mention she had to be atlteast 10  years younger than my father.  I picked the easel off the floor and  considered throwing it again but, I scribbled one word on it.

Why?

“Why, what sweetheart ?” he asked,” I’ve told you your mother and I fell out of love a long time ago, she left me for Caine 21 years ago and I have always despised that. I did my diligence I stayed with her for you and because that bastard told us to.  Tessa knows what we go through and I need conversation.  Actual company,”

So, I wasn’t good enough.

The words hurt me , even if he didn’t love mom how could he forget about her so fast.. We had never discussed her funeral or anything. There were no pictures of her anywhere. Was he even going to acknowledge that ?

 “Please be happy for us,”he scolded me, “For once don’t be a stupid selfish  girl,”

Those words hit me the wrong way and I headed for the door  and as soon I opened it I saw a uniform clad figure in front of me. My eyes were glued to his holstered weapon.

“Juliana Reese,” the police officer asked

I nodded my head and  turned to see my Dad was no longer in the living room but probably with Tessa.

The officer handed me an envelope

“You’ve been served, ma’am,” he said.

As he walked off I opened the envelope and read through it multiple times. I always knew this was coming.

Looks like I was heading back to Florida.